


Barrel to the Heart

by seasawed



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Cutting, Depression, Korean Keith (Voltron), M/M, Marriage, Pining, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-06 14:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11602173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seasawed/pseuds/seasawed
Summary: In where Keith receives a wedding invitation from Lance, the boy he's been broken hearted for for the past years. He reminisces about their past together and eventually comes to a point in which he ends it all.Warning: Depression, cutting, degrading mental health, and finally, suicide. Please don't read if you're sensitive to those sorts of things.





	Barrel to the Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Done after looking at some Klance angst on @laithvoltron 's Instagram-  
> Here are the images if you'd like to check them out beforehand-  
> http://68.media.tumblr.com/3b429f31f9909eca38d5e15c334fa5fd/tumblr_ontom4ukO11tioom8o1_r1_1280.png  
> http://68.media.tumblr.com/a239da43dd2f5b045246ea7a97245892/tumblr_ontom4ukO11tioom8o2_r1_1280.png  
> http://68.media.tumblr.com/a986a3a7181d3959bff7c6561ffff7eb/tumblr_ontom4ukO11tioom8o3_r1_1280.png  
> \--  
> The OC I mentioned in the story is just for plot purposes- ôwô  
> Also~  
> Grab your tissues, kiddos-

A piece of paper shook violently in pale hands as their owner's violet eyes stared on endlessly. Said eyes were blank and got increasingly more sorrow as the seconds ticked by, only growing hints of anger and frustration once the aforementioned piece of paper had been ripped to shreds.

The pieces scattered around Keith's feet, and although the words on the invitation were now undecipherable, they still burned like a fresh wound in the front of his mind.

_You, Keith Kogane, are cordially invited to the marriage uniting Lumi Sinclair and.._

_..Lance McClain.._

"Fuck.."

Keith's fists clenched on his lap as his throat tightened up uncomfortably. His eyes were burning and he tried to close them in a futile attempt to suppress his upcoming tears, but recognized his failure once he felt a warm drop land on the back of his hand.

Broken sobs echoed throughout the male's room, not only serving as a reminder of his loneliness, but also plunging him into an even deeper state of depression. 

Keith's fingers came up to his head only to pull his dark locks in despair while those horrible, horrible words kept on echoing on like a mantra. A dark pit formed in his stomach, making him feeling so much more _empty_.

It was only when he had to run to the bathroom in order to keep from throwing up in his room that he was temporarily distracted. Temporarily. That was, until his thoughts drifted back to Lance.

Lance, the guy who Keith's been pining for and been best friends with ever since the 10th grade. The guy who would make fun of his hair and constantly compete with him, declaring they were rivals.

And ultimately, the love he lost.

If he was to go back to the earlier days of when they became acquainted, he'd never believe that he ultimately ended up falling in love with the one person that always got under his skin. It'd seem completely impossible.

But it happened. And Keith didn't even realize it at first either. 

Around the time they first met, he had always thought of Lance as some vibrant pest that constantly demanded for the attention. A self-centered prick who passed the time annoying those around him and challenged anyone who threatened his title of "the very best". And Keith, for the longest time, had truly believed that image of him as being his real personality. That was the very reason Keith would try to avoid him all the time at school, not finding being friends with Lance worth all the trouble said male would only bring.

Even so, there was always a way the two would encounter. Be it school projects or that one time Pidge had introduced them despite the two having already met, they constantly showed up in the other's life. It made it very difficult for Keith to evade moments in which he and Lance would cross paths, but at the same time, gave him a chance to explore what Lance really was like and how he behaved.

Keith learned that all that garbage he thought was true about Lance was just that, garbage. Sure Lance did come off conceited sometimes, but that was merely a mask to hide all the insecurities he kept hidden inside. Keith knew exactly how much he questioned his worth and abilities, having been there before to witness him when he was at his lowest.

_It was the middle of junior year and Keith had noticed how quiet Lance had been for the past couple of days. Pidge and Hunk had noticed his odd behavior as well, and the three already knew what the reason for it was. See, Lance had been having family problems at home that had to do with one of his older siblings having been deported back to Cuba. Immigration police had sent him back after catching him driving and demanding for his papers when he didn't have any in the first place._

_There had been a lot of anxiety and tension at the McClain house and the whole family seemed at a complete loss. They tried their best to help out Lance's older brother by sending him boxes of clothing, toiletries, and such to Cuba, but it, from Lance's reaction, hadn't been enough. They wanted their Daniel back home with his family._

_Incidentally, because of all this, it became a regular thing for Lance to stay at the school after hours. The three knew this was because he didn't want to go home to his family, and even took it upon themselves to hang out with him until he was ready to go; but there was one time in particular in which Pidge and Hunk couldn't._

_Pidge had to revise for her Calculus mid-term which would count for at least half of her grade in the class. She wanted to make sure she aced it without any problems. On the other hand, Hunk had visiting family at home who he hadn't seen in a while. And while Lance's situation was just as important, Hunk had been talking for the past months about how excited he was for the whole thing. He insisted on staying with Lance, but the blue-eyed male refused to take away from the time he had for his family, even daring to put on one of those forced grins that made Keith's heart ache._

_Speaking of Keith, since he didn't feel like leaving Lance by himself nor had anything especially important going on at the moment, he stayed behind at school with him. It was a bit awkward at first since the two weren't exactly on friendly terms, but as if sensing the discomfort, Lance let out a breathy laugh that had a sigh mixed in._

_He was leaning against a random locker, hands shoved deeply in his pockets. His sapphire eyes lacked that usual sparkle of playfulness they always held as he spoke. "Just us, huh?"_

_Keith averted his gaze towards the floor to avoid looking into those miserable eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. He shook his head in agreement, remaining quiet for the moment._

_A long silence passed before Lance broke it, once again._

_"I know you guys have been staying behind for my sake..but," rubbing his left arm anxiously, Lance continued, "can you please stop doing that? I..don't want to be a burden.."_

_A quiet sigh escaped from Keith as he shook his head. "Lance-"_

_He was interrupted before he could finish his sentence._

_"No! You don't understand, I'm always causing problems and-"  
_

_"Lance-"_  
_"-I need to take care of things myself. I shouldn't be dragging you three in."_

_"Lance."_

_"Especially when you have your own things to worry abo-"_

_"Lance! Listen for a second!"_

_Lance had finally closed his mouth when Keith placed his hands on the other's shoulders. Violet eyes clashed with sapphire, and Keith's face burned in embarrassment at the realization of their close proximity, but he simply brushed it off as a result from the lack of air conditioning in the hallway they were in._

_Taking in a deep breath, he spoke, "You're not causing any problems nor are you a burden. Pidge and Hunk," clearing his throat, he corrected himself, "Pidge, Hunk, and I are your friends and we were worried about you. It's only natural that we wanted to make sure you were alright."_

_When Lance opened his mouth to talk, Keith raised one of his hands in a gesture for him to stop._

_"Look, before you speak, again, we **chose** to stay behind with you. You're not dragging us into anything. Now, you have two choices. Deal with it or  **deal with it**. Lastly, don't ever blame this whole situation on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. Now," uncomfortably, Keith raised his arms as an offer of comfort and looked away to the side when he witnessed Lance's eyes widening, "come here..I know you've been wanting to cry for a while now.."_

_The violet-eyed male let out a small noise of surprise when he felt hands clench tightly at his red mini jacket while he awkwardly shifted in Lance's arms. He didn't really know what to do, but in an attempt to return the hug, wrapped his arms around the brunet's torso. The second he did so, an embarrassed flush formed on his face, but he had no time to address it when Lance started quivering._

_He was crying._

_Tightening his grip around the other in what Keith hoped to be a soothing gesture, he pondered to himself for a second. Now that he thought about it, Keith had always believed that Lance's crying would match his personality, loud and attention-grabbing, but the quiet sobs that were starting to stain his jacket proved him false. So, so very false._

_As he took in a breath to start speaking again, a muffled voice beat him to the punch._

_"It's just so hard.." the words were a bit hard to fathom at first, but Lance raising his head to look at Keith fixed that issue for the upcoming words._

_"We really miss him. **I** really miss him. It's so much more lonely without Daniel at home," taking a second to wipe at the tears that refused to come to a complete stop, the brunet shakily breathed in, "And you can see it too. It's always quiet and my family's always cautious about going out somewhere. "Authorities this" "Authorities that". Why are immigrants even hated so much? We struggles just as much as a regular American citizen does. Even more so. We live in a constant state of fear. Fear that we'll be taken away from our families here. That we won't have a chance to change our lives for the better. That some day, like Daniel, we might be deported back to a place we tried so hard to escape."_

_Hiding his head back against Keith's already-damp shoulder, Lance continued. His next words sounded so raw to Keith's ears, so desperate. "I feel so useless. Why do I even try..? Every time I do I just end up worsening the situation. I hate it.. Why can't I ever do things right..? Maybe I really am as pathetic as I look.. "_

_When it became palpable that Lance was done with his venting for the moment, Keith spoke, "_ _I can somewhat relate..to the immigrant part, I mean."_

_There was a beat of silence before Lance's voice finally found a bit of its strength. "R-Really..?"_

_Keith nodded, furrowing his eyebrows in concentration as he thought back to his childhood. "I was born in Korea, yes, and though I was really young at the time, I do remember how..how horribly I was treated because of where I came from and how I spoke. That's why I'm so quiet most of the time. And although I've never gone through the exact situation you have of a family member being taken away, I understand how terrified and upset you and your family must be feeling. About feeling useless and such though," Keith snorted slightly before going on, "I can **completely**  relate to that. But Lance, you're not useless nor are pathetic. You're constantly trying to help others out, no matter the problem, and with the fact that you have your own that you have to take care of as well, I don't see that as being useless, pathetic, or any other trash. It's being courageous and selfless. Yes, you can't help out everyone  **all** the time, but maybe your family's not exactly  **ready** to accept your help. Not yet, anyways."_

_Whatever exactly Keith was expecting, he knew for certain that it was **not**_   _a laugh. And a genuine one at that._

_Lance raised his head once more, sniffling and sending a faint, almost dismissible smile towards Keith. The shorter male's breath got caught in his throat, rendering him speechless when he felt a warmth envelop him. Luckily for him, he didn't need to speak. For the moment, at least._

_"Look at how things turned out. My rival being the one to both comfort and calm me. What a twist." A half-smirk formed on Lance's lips as the words left his mouth._

_Clearing his throat, the violet-eyed male simply rolled his eyes, a frown crawling across his features. "If I recall correctly, **you're** the one who claimed **me** as your rival."_

_"Details, details~ Anyways, what was this about you being my_ **_friend_ ** _~_ _?"_

_A groan left Keith's mouth as he rubbed a hand across his face. "You're not going to let me live that down anytime soon, are you?"_

_"Nope~" the Cuban drawled out._

_"And what was that? Selfless and courageous? Sorry, can you repeat that?"_

_Keith let out a small sigh, secretly glad that Lance was acting more like his usual self. He never knew there'd be a day where he was actually glad to be a victim to Lance's teasing, not that he'd ever voice that out loud._

_Said person broke him out of his thoughts when he mumbled out two simple words that definitely startled him. "Thank you.."_

_The corners of Keith's mouth twitched upwards into a smile as he responded, "You're welcome. But Lance, remember, you're not alone. You have us, your friends. Whenever you're feeling upset about something and want to talk about it to someone, come to any one of us and we'll help you out, alright?"_

_Letting out a sigh of his own, Lance nodded. "Alright.."_

_"Now," Keith continued, pointing towards the male bathrooms, "let's get you cleaned up."_

_The blue-eyed male released a loud gasp, dramatically placing the back of his hand against his forehead. "Are you implying that I look **bad**? I'll have you know that I look beautiful no matter what. Be it crying or not, I'm always flawless!"_

_Before Keith could even stop himself, he laughed. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say. Now hurry up before I leave without you."_

_Pausing for a moment, Lance lifted in an eyebrow in confusion. "Where are we going?"_

_"Café Voltron," chuckling and half-smiling when Lance's eyes lit up at the coffee shop's name, he teasingly added, "And I'll be going without you if you don't pick up the pace."_

_The Cuban started wavering his arms about in a flail, approaching the bathroom at a hurried pace. "I'm going, I'm going!"_

After that incident, the two grew closer. At first yes, they had their fights and such, but as more time passed, they lessened. The rivalry they had eroded into more of a playful and teasing camaraderie. Eventually the two became each other's first choice for comfort admist a negative event or day.

Hunk and Pidge of course took note in the difference in their behaviors and questioned it, yet the two refused to tell, only igniting their curiosity even more.

More importantly though, it was after that specific incident that he started noticing more. Initially, he thought it was normal, that he was only ensuring that Lance was feeling okay and that nothing bad was happening go him. However, that evolved into something else. He started noticing the way he'd take note of the other's habits and how, much to his surprise, he found them cute.

The way Lance would use his hands when he talked about something he was really excited about, the way he'd tug on his sleeves when there was something he really wanted to say, how he'd playfully form fingerguns when he wanted to come off as smooth, how he crinkled his nose when he concentrated on something, everything. Keith noticed it all. And if that wasn't weird enough, the Korean male couldn't ever ignore the way that his heart would pick up its pace whenever there was even a mention of Lance. How his face, neck, and everything from his torso to his fingertips flushed hotly in the other's presence. Yet most of all, Keith could never overlook the urges that he would get. Urges that told him to go embrace Lance and never let go, to brush away Lance's hair from his face and start caressing said face afterwards, to pin Lance against his wall and kiss him silly.

It wasn't until one day of playful bickering where Pidge and Hunk teased them by calling them an "old, married couple" that Keith came to a realization that he didn't find the idea of him and Lance getting married, or even dating, unappealing. In fact, he liked it. A lot.

And that's when he knew he was fucked.

Currently finding himself against the porcelain sink of his small bathroom, Keith turned the handle to cease the steady stream of water. Inhaling a deep breath that resonated throughout the room, the male glanced at his reflection in the rectangular mirror in front of him. He look absolutely wrecked.

Dark, prominent bags were found underneath his eyes and clashed horribly against his unhealthily pale skin. His eyes looked empty and only radiated sadness. Around said eyes was red and puffy from the agonizing time he spent crying. Lastly, his hair was in a disheveled state, strands peeking from all sides and reminding of all the days he spent in bed, fruitlessly attempting to sleep.

Hands shook from the strength with which they gripped the sides of the sink. In the next seconds, all that could be heard was the rustling of items being placed aside hurriedly. Silence enveloped the room once more once Keith found what he was looking for. 

A blade.

Blood started seeping into his palm from the force he clenched the aforementioned blade with. Even so, Keith didn't seem to care. In fact, he pressed it even tighter against his akin, cringing slightly at the pain. 

Finally, when he thought he was ready, he unclenched the fist that contained the blade and turned his other arm so that his palm was facing him. Bringing the blade in his right hand closer to his left wrist, he felt tears prickle his eyes. And he slashed horizontally. Repeatedly. 

Every swipe was accompanied with memories. Memories that consisted of all the moments in which he and Lance smiled, laughed, and just basked in each others' presence. 

The time in which he, Lance, and Hunk were trying to bake a cake for Pidge since her birthday was coming up. Keith distinctly remembered the way that Lance came up from behind him, his radiant warmth and all, and wrapped his arms around his waist. The way that he flushed when he realized how perfectly his and Lance's bodies slotted. How teasing the smile that the Cuban sent his way was when he smothered Keith's face in flour as Hunk freaked out. 

When Keith arrived to school exhausted and Lance forced him into sleeping against his shoulder during lunch time, the taller male's forest green jacket providing him with the soothing and musky scent of Lance.

All of it, Keith wished he could forget so that the horrible pain in his chest would go away. He didn't want to remember. He didn't want to feel. And with every wistful slash he was reminded that no matter what, he couldn't change a thing. There was nothing he could do to turn back time and avoid all of this from having happened. 

Splotches of blood stained his black shirt as it dripped from his left wrist. Minutes full of sobs and flinches of misery were the only things found in the room that is, until Keith forcefully threw the blade at the blood-stained sink.

Black dots started to rain across his vision and made him feel dizzy, but as he fell the ground, more memories decided to take advantage of his vulnerability. 

_"Hey, Mullet Head!"_

_Keith's heartbeat picked up once he heard Lance's voice and he gazed up into excited sapphire eyes._

_Feigning faint annoyance and trying to hide his smile, Keith rolled his eyes. "I told you to stop calling me that. Anyways, what is it?"_

_Lance gave him a pout at the first portion, but kept going with his news, "There's this new girl in my Chemistry in I'm thinking of maybe y'know, asking her out." He flashed a wink that made the blood rush to Keith's cheeks._

_Although there was a clenching in his chest at the idea of Lance dating someone else who wasn't him, especially when said person was a girl, Keith tried his best to ignore it._

_"And what do you want me to do about it?" the Korean asked through clenched teeth, his arms crossed questioningly. He hoped Lance would overlook the detail, and fortunately, he did._

_"Well," Lance's face got closer to Keith's, smirk growing once he noticed the latter's eyes widening and shoulders tensing, "I wanted to ask if I could practice my flirting on you."_

_Keith tried his best to casual clear his throat from the breath that had hitched and raised an eyebrow questioningly at him. He tried to play it off as if he wasn't interested, but it was hard to do so when your heart's pounding too loud for comfort._

_"I doubt you'll have any good ones, but sure?"_

_The corners of Keith's lips twitched upwards when he saw the elated look on Lance's face. Clearing his throat, Lance lifted his fingers to make fingerguns and gave a boyish grin, "Are you from outer space because your body is out of this world!"_

_The next second contained only silence until a snort came from Keith, and then the two erupted into fits of laughter. To this day, he remembers how embarrassed he felt, but how nice it was. It felt..intimate._

**_BANG BANG--_ ** **_he shot me down_ **

****Just as he met the carpeted floor, Keith gave a closed-eyed smile, his hands cupped around his heart. It wasn't until after his back felt the plush carpet that he both removed one hand from his chest and gazed sullenly at the ceiling.

**_BANG BANG--_   _I hit the ground_**

**_BANG BANG--_ **

_"Guess who got a girlfriend?!"_

_Lance approached the group of three during lunch, an unfamiliar girl following him by the hand. She and Lance smiled at each other affectionately and looked back at Pidge, Hunk, and Keith with happy looks on their face._

_Pidge reacted first with a wide-eyed stare, grinning and haughtily commenting, "Good luck dealing with our Lance. He's quite a handful, and I hope you're patient enough to endure his shenanigans. The name's Pidge."_

_Lance flailed his free arm around wildly and exclaimed an offended "Hey!"._

_The girl, on the other hand, giggled in amusement and waved shyly with her free hand. "My name's Lumi. Pleasure to meet you. And that's alright, I look forward to seeing what shenanigans this dork has in store."_

_Lance, in response, grumbled incoherently under his breath, but smiled when Lumi kissed his nose gently._

**_that_ **

_With a mischievous smile, he edged closer to her and kissed her, "You missed."_

_Pidge didn't seem so amused and smacked his side, hard. "No PDA."_

_Lance rubbed his side to soothe the pain, and sighed dramatically._

_Hunk, after laughing at the scene, introduced himself to a blushing and hiding Lumi with a friendly smile. "Hello, I'm Hunk. Sorry for their behavior. They get better, I swear."_

_Lumi smiled back and nodded, feeling a bit reassured after his comment. Just as her emerald-green eyes met his own violet ones, Keith immediately left the table. As he did so, he could feel four pairs of eyes staring him down._

**_awful_ **

_Keith couldn't ever forget the heat in his eyes when he tried to suppress his tears. Making his way down to the male locker room, he sat down against his a locker behind him, knees pulled up close while his face rested against his crossed arms. Once he was sure that he was completely alone, he started crying._

_In the beginning he'd come to the locker room to take a break from the happy couple and their affectionate antics, but the visits increased as time moved on. His emotional breakdowns got increasingly worse, and Pidge and Hunk noticed._

_The two would stop him whenever they could and ask him about his wellbeing, but he always tried to reassure them. Of course they never believed him, but Keith was stubborn and refused to tell them. No matter how many panic attacks he got and how horrible his mental health was turning._

_Even though he refused to tell him, one day he tried to put in an end to any more suspicion by keeping himself from going to the locker room._

_Big mistake._

_The depression he was diagnosed with simply got worse and his episodes got more and more violent towards himself. He got more and more quiet and refused to talk at all in the presence of Lance and Lumi. He'd just nod or shake his head._

_And the worst part?_

_Lance didn't notice. Well, at least it didn't look like he did._

_"Too distracted," his mind bitterly supplied to him as he shoved a spoon full of food into his mouth. His gaze, more like glare, was directed towards the two hands that were in front of him, Lance's on top and Lumi's underneath._

_Lance's voice broke his glare and made him look up. The Cuban look down at his girlfriend with a smile as he held out his phone towards Keith of all people._

_"Keith, can you take a picture of Lumi and me? We've never tried taking a couple picture before. Is that okay?"_

_Not trusting his mouth to answer in fear of insults, Keith nodded faintly._

_Holding out the phone horizontally, Lance and Lumi shifted closer to each other, Lance with a peace sign, and Lumi with a shy wave._

_"They make a better couple than you and him ever would," the dark thought was in his mind before he could stop it._

_**sound** _

_Forming a forced smile, he replied to the thought:_

_"You're right."_

**_BANG BANG_ **

By the end of the memory, Keith had his arm against his eyes, letting the tears slip out through the cracks and land on the ground along with the broken shards of his own heart. 

Eventually, he succumbed to the numb feeling of being unconscious.

\---

Keith's hands shook uncontrollably in his lap, but his focus was directed towards one, single thing in the church.

Lance.

Lumi was in front of him in a breathtakingly beautiful white dress that trailed behind her as he walked and giving the illusion of an angel. Even so, Keith was more taken away by the tux that Lance himself was dressed in. 

Keith would've almost laughed at how "Lance" it was if it weren't for his current mental state. 

A blue, sleek tuxedo with a white rose in the left pocket and a black tie. So simple, yet it emphasized Lance's features in all the right ways. 

When the two held hands, they looked at each other so much pure love that Keith had to look away. It hurt too much to watch. 

He wanted to be the one up there, holding Lance's hand and both looking and being looked at with the same intensity of love. He wanted to promise himself a life with Lance full of everything. Happiness, sadness, whatever it may be, he wanted to go through with it alongside Lance. But that illusion was no longer possible. Not now, not later, not ever. And that was sealed. Sealed with a kiss from the newly wedded couple.

Mr and Mrs. McClain.

\--

Now here he was. Seated on the very edge of a bridge. Keith's eyes stared on aimlessly, not a hint of fear to be found. Anything that could be been considered was gone too. 

He  **wanted** this.

The ocean waves sloshed around calmly and the sky was dimming to a light amber color mixed in with amethyst. 

Closing his eyes, Keith slowly braced himself.

All this pain, yearning, and self-hate he's had to deal with for the past years, it would soon come to an end. The memories he's tried so hard to forget, they'd no longer exist. And him.. he'd be gone. Who needed him anyway? You can't fix what's already broken. 

Opening his eyes, once more, he let go.

Forever.

_Keith played with his hands anxiously as he mentally debated whether or not he should say what he wanted to say. Deciding it was either now or never, he went ahead._

_"Lance, I..I'm love in love with you."_

_The taller male's eyes widened in shock, going through what seemed like a million emotions before they settled on one._

_Remorse._

_"I'm sorry but I..don't feel the same way."_

_When that response dissolved into silence, Keith knew he messed up. And now, he couldn't fix the friendship he had undeniably broken_.

**So much remorse.**

**Author's Note:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I'm ready to be burned at the stake. 
> 
>  
> 
> I regret nothing.
> 
> \---  
> Seriously though, I don't really know much about the topics I covered, so I hope I did so well. The only things I really know about are that whole discussion regarding immigrants and depression. I don't know much about suicide, cutting, or the whole one-sided love, but to all the people who do feel these things, I want to say: You're amazing and I admire you for being strong enough to be here today. No matter what you're going through, don't think of yourself as weak or useless. I know it's hard, but such a courageous person shouldn't be knocking themselves down. You're beautiful and strong. Thank you for being here. I appreciate you.


End file.
